How do we talk with our kids about seeing harmful content online?

This resource has been peer reviewed by Youthline NZ and clinical psychologist Dougal Sutherland from Umbrella Wellbeing.

Parents we’ve spoken to have told us that hearing about what young people might be seeing online can bring up a lot of anxiety and a sense of helplessness, and sometimes anger. They’ve shared the tough choices they face - taking their child’s phone away might feel like the safest option, but it also means disconnecting them from their social world (and usually doesn’t go down well!). On the other hand, trying to talk to them about what they’re seeing can be just as tricky, with many young people shutting down out of fear that the conversation will lead to losing their devices. Whatever you’re feeling at the moment, it’s important to pause and make sure your reaction is based on what’s best for your rangatahi, rather than being driven by emotions.

Many parents feel ill-equipped to navigate these conversations because they didn’t grow up with the same online reality. Then, perfection paralysis kicks in; if we don’t know how to get the conversation “right,” we avoid it altogether, leaving young people to figure it out on their own.

Fortunately, at the Classification Office, we’ve been talking with rangatahi about their online experiences and asking them what they need from parents and whānau. Over the past few years, our research - including studies on youth and porn, body image, and now rangatahi experiences with extremely harmful content - has revealed consistent themes about what works best when having these conversations.

So let’s talk about this:

Stay calm. 

First, take a breath. These conversations can be difficult, and it’s natural to feel anxious or even scared. As parents, our instinct is to protect our kids, so learning they might have seen extremely harmful content online can be overwhelming. But when we feel anxious, it can sometimes come across as anger, making them feel blamed. In reality, they may not have sought out this content at all, and even if they did, it’s often just natural curiosity.

Your first instinct might be to ban them from their device, but we know that won’t necessarily stop them from being exposed to harmful content. In fact, it could make them less likely to seek help if they do come across something harmful. Even if it feels hard, starting the conversation is better than leaving young people to figure it out alone. Taking a breath and staying calm helps keep the conversation open and supportive.

Choose your moment.
You’ve probably heard that tricky conversations go more smoothly in the car or during an activity - and it’s true, particularly for rangatahi. Avoiding direct eye contact and having something else to focus on can take the pressure off, making it easier for the conversation to flow.

Listen.
This can be hard. Parents often want to jump in, offer solutions, and keep our kids safe. But young people tell us that when it comes to extremely harmful content online, they don’t always want immediate action. Instead, they want a safe space to be heard. If they know they can come to you without fear of a big reaction, they’ll be more likely to reach out when something goes wrong.

Be curious.
Ask open-ended questions. Share things you’ve read and ask if their experience - or that of their peers - is similar. Show genuine curiosity rather than launching straight into advice.

Don’t blame them for what they’ve seen.
Young people don’t always have control over what shows up on their social media feeds. They may come across harmful material for many reasons, and often not because they were looking for it. Even if a young person blocks certain content, similar material may still appear due to platform design. Instead of blaming them, use this as a teaching moment. Talk about how social media feeds work, check in on their understanding, and discuss actions they can take - such as blocking content, marking posts as “not interested,” or filtering certain words or phrases. Remind them that adjusting their feed takes time and should be done regularly.

"You wouldn’t want to be punished for something that wasn’t your fault."

Talk in an age-appropriate way.
How you discuss extremely harmful content will depend on your child’s age, maturity and understanding of the online world. What might be overwhelming for a younger child could be more appropriate for a teenager who has already been exposed to certain online risks. You know your child best, meet them where they’re at and provide just enough information without making the topic scarier than necessary. Find age appropriate conversation starters here. And remember if they don’t want to talk right away, let them know you’re always available to talk and then check in later.

Encourage critical thinking early.

If your child isn’t regularly online yet or doesn’t have a smartphone, this is a great time to build their digital literacy skills, especially around identifying and responding to harmful content. Find conversations starters here.

Put them in the role of the caregiver.
This is a great tool for encouraging critical thinking. Ask what they would say to a younger sibling, a family friend, or even their younger self about staying safe online and what to do if they see harmful content. Rangatahi often find it easier to share when the conversation isn’t directly about them.

Reassure them.
Many rangatahi we spoke to said they’re afraid their parents will overreact and take their phone away. Reassure them that if they come to you, you’ll listen first, and together, you’ll come up with a plan.

Seek help and support.
Parents can’t be experts in every aspect of their child’s life and you certainly don’t need to be an expert to start the conversation just being available to listen and support them makes a big difference. There are also people and organisations that can help. Rangatahi have told us that this kind of content is ‘sticky’ - it’s difficult to unsee and can stay with them for years. Seeking support from professionals who understand how to navigate these situations can make a big difference.

Further Reading

Banned or illegal content: What is objectionable content?

Classification Office resources for Parents and Whānau (hub)

Talking with young people about what they’re watching (resource guide)

How to talk with young people about pornography (resource guide)

Navigating social media (Mental Health Foundation resource)